“Ink”

I’ll never know who I am;

opportunity at self-discovery thieved

by sheer weight of smiling through days

loudly wearing generosity on poorly-stitched sleeve

–

Slaving to imbalance of give and take

amounts to exhaustive counterfeit living;

The greatest performance is the one 

that one doesn’t realize they’re giving

–

Such indelible ink

erases one’s ability to think

A forever missing piece eludes

—capsizing ships need not sink

–

I’ll never know what could be; 

how can one proclaim all is fate

when opportunity is so withheld 

of all of one’s potentially positive traits

–

There is a drumming in one’s head

a pattern to patter one’s vagus nerve

Constant dismal reminders of feeling

the feeling that goodness isn’t deserved 

–

Such feelings are the truest disease

though never an affliction inborn;

all smothering and sadness is taught

nobody knowingly consents to being torn

–

Such ineradicable ink

pushes one to the brink

A forever missing piece eludes

—capsizing ships need not sink

–

I’ll never know why things are

and never know what could have been

they knew they were causing pain

malignant manipulation the ultimate sin

–

To know one is evil but to persist

is writing one’s fate in ink and fright

to continually cast such shadows on walls

one must always adjust the gaslight

–

Once the brain has charted a course

Chances are slim of escaping from hell

This the truth that defines the breath of many

underlying ethos of all emotionally unwell

–

Defined in ink and set to stay

Some helpless to possessive servitude

I’ll never know who I could be

in black oil is etched the solitude  

–

Ink, not erasable

Life, not replaceable

Cries for help, ignored and effaceable

Stop thrashing, become persuasible

–

Blank slate and original sin 

from inception did decline begin

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 08/31/2022

“Jamestown”

Some winters cold,

others fall to frigid;

the constraining freeze

mirrors mores so rigid.

–

An idyllic promise manifest

a bucolic paradise emergence.

A hamlet so kind and beautiful

for those offering no divergence.

–

find truth in they, they who yell

they know best to save you from hell

–

Burn the witch, scratch the itch,

slipping scintillating insults into which

you’ll pack in all your insecurity and hate

—prattle and prate while leaving nothing to fate.

–

Your faith faux and presume to know 

what’s best for another’s soul;

no hub of freedom and expression is destined 

to be under your cruel control. 

–

Devour people’s thoughts like a snack

as you claim to save those who stray

Your religion is any but benign;

devoutly shall any predator prey

–

You tighten your grip on archaic bullshit

as the questioning child is driven insane

Eating their own when times are tough; 

some towns live the legacy of their name

–

Kids of different persuasions fighting to breathe

—they had a chance to be seen and thrive

You took the bread out of their fucking mouths 

This is starving time, where only the domineering survive

–

Don’t proclaim to write the rules,

don’t presume to know what’s above

don’t preclude people from being themselves

and don’t presuppose conditions for love

–

Because of you, kids will take their own lives

there will be innocent blood on your hands

There will be a reckoning and truth and reconciliation 

and your pathetic fucking ignorance will be all that’s banned

–

How can one believe that they hold the blueprint

to all that is good and evil under the sun?

Life is too vast and complicated and complex

to control the loving, learning, and happiness of anyone. 

–

find truth in they, they who yell

they’ll be first to go, if there’s a hell

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 08/22/2022

“Head of Noise”

it’s a brain of traffic

clogged avenues and bent disaster

gridlocked into cold submission 

screaming relief is quietly quested

–

avenues of agony and stilted sparks

firing away into empty nights

what is out of sight is out of mind

trees fall alone in a cavernous consciousness

–

would the wood pass untold

if the world paid no notice

to its ominous cries and creaks

as the gusts beat its brow

–

A boost to your self-image, you may

If you steal, cheat, and lie every day

–

the world is there for the taking

if your scruples permit you so

what an ugly place this can be

life bountiful for avaricious bastards

–

wildlife and domestic strife

oddly amphibious in our states

we ghost in and out of moments 

like waves breaking and returning

–

the years fly like streaks of light

fall to winter and back again

and our negotiations with time

have amounted to nothing

–

Hold me through this storm, if able.

Tell me not that I’m perfect, just stable.

–

the head of noise comes in with vigor

the neural impasse sharpens its stick

the head of noise comes with vengeance

the uncertainty plague gnashes its teeth

–

faces adorned with the panic’s blood 

feeling unseen in the noise’s flood

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 06/29 – 07/19/2022

“Here is Now”

Sadly occurring, to us that day 

life lived is incumbent on you;

no joy, no spiritual quarter given 

to those who seek to never do.

–

I blink and rest my head

as I float downstream.

Have we wasted our days

dreaming an alluring dream?

–

Here is now, here feels long

you are here, then you’re gone.

–

Moments shall pass

in fleeting seconds and blinks;

matters most what a man does

and far less what he thinks.

–

Time is the commodity

our gift most sacred.

How many of us laughed at those

who said our gift was wasted?

–

Here is now, here feels long

you are here, then you’re gone.

–

Souls so pure and retired too young

ones we aspire to covet and to be

Souls we realize we never deserved

are souls we refused to truly see

–

Now that here is gone

we offer regrets and woe

We were young enough to feel

yet not old enough to know

–

An emptiness has hit us so 

and we wish here was now

But here leaves in its time 

and cares not what we avow 

–

Goodbye to you we love

We’ll see you soon again

Though we’ve no power over time

know it’s not if, just when

–

Here was now, here felt long,

you were here, and now you’re gone 

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 07/18/2022

“You Were Meant for Now”

no story more strikingly sad

than beautiful souls who won’t see;

for this do I beg to open eyes,

for this I fall on bended knee

–

you must know you’re here 

because you’re the best;

you are the song of glory

escaping the siren’s breast

–

if only you saw your courage and heart

and wouldn’t ask why or how;

you were meant for then

as you are meant for now

–

think on those vulnerable, 

those for whom you’d fight;

you must deservingly see yourself 

projected in the same worthy light

–

you don’t know how beautiful you are,

how beautiful and free;

you don’t know how capable you are,

how much you could do and be

–

—they sold an angry litany of lies

—a cask of doubt cracked inside,

—scheming venom so stormy-eyed

—rendering you unable to realize

–

that you were meant for then 

as you are meant for always;

you are meant to be right now

as you are meant for all days

–

you were meant for your love and talent,

for your soul and spirit to thrive;

you weren’t meant to simply live,

you were meant to feel alive

–

no greater sin than your anxiety

from doubt and anguish and strained propriety

—that which made you inert and consistent 

and afraid to carve yourself into a society

–

where you are meant to be now

in the same way you’ve always been;

you must care for your inner world

and be brave enough to again begin

–

you feel stuck and can’t make decisions,

like something unknown is missing;

perhaps you feel unworthy of receiving

and have yet done so much giving

–

yet now is the last time for dramatic growth;

you no longer should need those stepping stones;

you paint your world and dictate the hue

—now is the truth, now is the time for you.

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 01/17/2023

“What I Deserve”

blank canvas, chewed and spat heads

where muscular notions have frail seams

sludgy thoughts escape through greasy pipe dreams

–

smiling through your unique aura and ache

your sanity impaled but committed to astound

everything forever out of reach with hands born bound 

–

can I rewire my brain to be deserving of good things?

the people who were supposed to empower me simply shoved me aside

they left no room for the fallible, made love to wounded pride

–

you’re treated like you’re stupid or don’t fucking exist

you’re undermined and taken in stride and sneers so snide

have reduced you to a pathetic puddle like your aura has cried 

–

I always apologize when I have done nothing wrong

I will always let someone else beat me to the finish line

(I bend over well for someone never given a spine)

–

failing is fine if brought by one’s own choices

the truly painful failure is when you were given no option

you were smothered and stuffed to the gills with dread’s ugly toxin 

–

that anxiety is the root of all inert behavior and wasted time

imagine life if you didn’t agonize over what could go wrong

those taught to have no worth will never feel they belong 

–

the stickiest struggle is feeling sick for no reason

the vacant and blank of mind are never sure why 

avenues of ennui and boredom they’re forced to abide by

–

so what do I—what do we—deserve?

succumb and reside within the lines of the program

I long ago lost any chance to see who I truly am

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 6/29 – 7/11/2022

“The Hook”

some souls in sunrise awaken, 

and yet only barely breathe;

people will dangle through days

without function for fear of feeling

–

such crippled consciousness

marred by deleterious self;

paradoxical ways of living,

one’s brain is their devil;

a fugue state for all eternity,

never done dissociating from reality;

people seldom realize how time crawls, 

locked in somnambulant perspective

–

—the hook is quiet but oh so effective.

–

The hook stabs and wields 

with emotional assault;

I wasn’t given what I needed 

and that’s not my fault.

Is it worse to be slaughtered 

or to not even care to fight? 

Is the presence of darkness 

worse than the absence of light?

–

Terrified you’ll get used if you 

show any kindness or vulnerability;

nothing violates self-preservation 

more than showing latent sensitivity.

I would always go above and beyond 

(plus an extra hour and mile),

I was always compassionate 

but never not anxious and volatile.

–

There’s a bountiful spring of kindness 

that lies within thine eyes;

is it truly generosity 

or a sea of guilt not realized?

The hook stirs, the hook dictates, 

the hook rules broken lives,

the hook repeatedly stabs 

like a series of furious knives.

–

Those trapped on the hook 

perhaps cannot free themselves,

they have to be both noticed 

and offered grace by someone else.

You can’t be in control 

unless perpetrators permit you,

but they don’t give a fuck 

what it is they’ve put you through.

–

Alone one is not resolute 

and one cannot be assured;

some lack self-esteem 

from the neglect they’ve endured.

They don’t understand or realize 

they can walk away from guilt;   

they can destroy the shrine of shame 

they’ve oh so reluctantly built.

–

I am exhausted and physically ill 

when I feel so much shame; 

I wish I could take jagged glass 

and cut out that part of my brain.

Can I thus remove myself

without anyone helping me?

Or will they perceive and know the hook

and know the sound of unspoken plea?

–

The hook is dangerous and controlling, 

but only so destructive on its own.

Time and gravity finish off a person

once the hook reaches beyond bone.

So don’t look at their smiles;

look beyond and see the soul.

Is this a person that’s truly ok?

Or is this a person losing control?

–

Do they have the strength

to figure it out on their own?

Maybe they don’t even see the problem;

they need love for it to be shown. 

Identify and talk before it’s too late.

Love those who can’t relate.

Ask people if they’re truly ok

when eyes and mouth have a diverging say.

–

Lift people and show them their value,

make them see worth and what they can do.  

Be mindful, be present and perceptive

–

—love is quiet but oh so effective.

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 10/31/2021 – 01/09/2023

“Value”

Power is the most

alluring drug of all.

While we hope for semblance

we’ll settle on attractive counterfeit.

To dine with the devil, indeed,

a righteous prize for those who mislead.

–

True good is our shadow

just out of reach as towards it we run.

Spinning webs of sanctimony 

when there must be a principle to which we adhere.

Lean never on or boast of your pain;

it won’t serve as excuse to treat others the same.

–

Misgivings are in constant abundance

in lives lead for superficial states.

We come, are conquered and quake

under the weight of purpose-shaped holes.

Little left for mortal souls to handle,

resign your questions, blow out the candle.

–

Ensign, of divine,

whips in forgotten winds

left behind.

–

Little left, so bereft,

reduced to rusted shells

after value’s theft.

–

So blissfully, the ignorant forever blessed.

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 07/07/2022

“Darkest of Seasons”

The lonely have

a trial so unique;

in today’s days 

and in today’s ways

is there frantic fear in those who seek.

–

Acceptance is

the most common of pleas;

a culture set

to consume and forget

is marred by selfish disease.

–

Lest we forget

there are souls in need;

the ill minority

neglected by majority 

need more than to sleep and feed.

–

Other hungers exist

they clamor to be known;

truly hear me

and only then you’ll see

I’m more than a status in your phone.

–

Step outside

your finite view;

there are signs

read between lines

empty hearts seldom an ado.

–

Famished they

those who crave touch;

open your mind

cultivate new eyes

time is a precarious crutch.

–

They held on

for as long as they were able;

crutch has failed

pillars have exhaled

there is nothing keeping them stable. 

–

Nothing left

for the famished of heart;

they sought love

were denied thereof

and declared doomed from the start.

–

They were not

destined for hate;

they wanted the same

to know a lack of shame

the feeling of a tranquil state.

–

shame begets and sins abound

signals stressed before they drowned

mind not the how and forget the reasons

the sun falls early in the darkest of seasons

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 06/13/2022

“Half-Mast”

is it fate’s breath

or simply the wind

sins beget 

and sins rescind

–

aspire to destroy

as we aspire to create

we love to love 

as we love to hate

–

keep a clenched jaw

always pack your formal

mourning is methodical 

embrace the new normal

–

go to where 

the flag’s shadow is cast

quiet questionable impact 

in running them half-mast

–

call it a tragedy

or call it another day

sun rises and sets 

on dead young prey

–

9 to 5 and traffic jams 

give a thought and pray

that’s coffee and television 

that’s the American way

–

our treasured gift

is love for another

why do some choose

to see “me” and “other”?

–

cold the companion

condolences counterfeit

they yawn and shrug

they lie and acquit

–

buckets of blood

soak words of spite

nothing more sacred

than feeling one is right

–

when dies one

then dies all

hearts that break

are hearts that crawl

–

and tomorrow starts

the same as the last

the flags fly proudly

in their place half-mast

–

routine cycles

flag’s bland spite

the stars and stripes

as signature as the height

–

Tony Blau Veldt, 06/11/2022